Sunday, February 23, 2014

Whichever I Choose, There Will Be Regrets

Life is hard.

Having to be responsible for your own actions and decisions is hard.

At this moment in time, I want someone to make decisions for me. If I had someone to make decisions for me, I could blame them when things all fall apart. Or for when I doubt my decision.

But that isn't the way that life works. I have to make my own decisions. When things fall apart, I'm the one to blame. And when I doubt my decision-- that's all on me.

We're quickly approaching the time of year where I have to decide where I want to go and what I want to do with my life for the next school year. And honestly? I'm so torn. Do I stay? Do I go to the States? Do I go to an entirely different country? 

I don't have any idea. And no one is here to make the decision for me.

While browsing Twitter a few weeks ago, I saw that someone had tweeted Jason Aldean's lyrics that say "Whichever I choose, there will be regrets." Which is exactly how I feel. No matter which decision I make, I will have regrets. No matter where I end up, my heart will be longing to be somewhere else.

Upon further investigation, I found that the lyrics came from the song "Keep The Girl" which is very clearly about a boyfriend and a girlfriend. But being the self-centered individual that I am, I applied it to my own life. Let's take a gander now, shall we?

This life is full of choices. Hard to make one, all the voices in my head. I feel like this is pretty clear.
Those blue eyes I'm in love with? Substitute "brown eyes" for "blue eyes" and I picture my 48 Honduran babies who look at me every day with hunger to learn and be loved. Who would be so hard to leave behind.
Or that highway? The one that would take me somewhere else.
Which ever I pick, there'll be regrets. Are you beginning to see where I'm going with this?

I go one way, I lose everything. If I leave, I leave behind everyone I've come to know and love.
I go the other way, same thing. If I stay here, I'm taking more and more steps away from my life in the States.

I'm torn and it's tearing me apart. 
I want to go, but I don't want to break her heart. I'm the "her" in this situation. Going will actually break my heart.
Like a sword with a double edge blade, it's gonna cut deep either way.
This little town, that big old world. My little Sigua? Or new adventure in that big, old world?
Chase the dream or keep the girl? Do I chase my dream of teaching internationally? Or do I protect myself mentally and emotionally and go back to the States?

While (I feel) the song very clearly mirrors my own feelings and this stage of life that I am currently in, listening to it 500 times on repeat doesn't change my predicament. I still need to make my own decision.

I'm torn. And it's tearing me apart. Whichever I choose, I know that there will be regrets. 

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